Aloha Sprinklerinos,
This is a blog post I decided to write today, quite out of the blue, just because I feel like it will help me to write it all out, help other people who have to deal with me and potentially help those who feel the same way.
I don't do well in new places. By 'new places' I mean like foreign towns, hotels I'm unfamiliar with, areas of this country that I haven't been before and people's houses if I have to be there for a long time (ie. over an hour).
(From Seattle. The only place I've ever felt 100% ok when on a trip)
I realise this all sounds totally pathetic and I'm often embarrassed by it but it's something that I really struggle to over come.
It began when I was little and lived in a really turbulent home. Our house was very violent and a lot of nasty things happened on a daily basis. I never, ever felt safe and I would dread 3.35pm because I knew that was time to leave the safety of school and go home to a place where nobody cared and there was no protection or comfort.
As this lifestyle wore on, I was moved out of my home for safety and stayed in another house for a few months. I felt safe there (the family were really loving) but always knew it wasn't my home and that I was a guest.
Things seemed to ease up when I went to university. I was really happy in my halls and even though we moved every year, I was always with the same group of girls who very much looked after me (my friend Faye particularly who would cook for me and chat to me about all the little things on my mind- I like to think I repaid her in laughs and adventures heh heh) and so felt safe.
Then I met Matt, slipped into a work, home, sleep routine and felt really, really safe. I liked the walk to the office, I liked the 2 bedroom city apartment we had, I liked shopping on a Saturday morning and partying til Sunday. I liked always being in a place I felt familiar with and spending most of my time with a man who I knew cared enough about me to care when I was sad or afraid.
In that time I went abroad 3 times. The first was to Las Vegas with my Dad. It was half his business trip and half a 'well done for graduating' trip. I was so excited. The plane journey was fine - I'd flown virgin before and was sat with Dad. The hotel was nice, although at this point I found myself calling home and feeling a slight sense of panic that I was so far away, and the city, well, it was too much. It was so unlike anywhere I'd been before that I couldn't adjust my comfort zone. I felt like everything was a bit that same but totally different. Same language, different roads, same foods, different currency. It's hard to explain because I know those are things I can easily learn and handle but when I suffer from home sickness like I do, it's hard to be rational. I stood looking out of my hotel room on the first night and felt like I didn't want to go outside or be a part of all the action and that I'd feel calmer in my room. As it happened, due to a death in the family, we flew home the next morning. All the same, that's when I fully realised that holiday's weren't for me.
A year later I tried to tackle this with a girls holiday to Ibiza. My friend Emma invited me along with some of her friends and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to let my hair down, party all night and not worry about feeling homesick or unsettled. I was so wrong. I was on edge at the airport and by the time we arrived on the island I was so tense I could barely eat. I hated the hotel, I couldn't socialise nicely with Emma's friends and spent most of my time trying really hard not to cry. I don't fully know how to explain it but it just felt like everything was MORE. The music was louder, the food was weird tasting, the boys were lairy, the sun was hotter. Obviously it was loud music and hot climates but I mean more than everyone else found it. After two nights I changed my flight and came home alone because I couldn't cope. My friend was so kind but she couldn't really understand the extreme stress levels I was experiencing and I couldn't really articulate them either.
Just before our wedding, Matt and I went on a honeymoon (I know, weird way round- I was pregnant and there were work commitments too) and it wasn't too bad. I was 9 weeks pregnant so felt very sick but it was in a resort I'd been to as a child with my Dad, Matt was there to look after me and I felt OK. I still had a mini panic when we left the resort to visit the local area but at the time we blamed that on the pregnancy hormones.
In those three trips I noted that if I had a strong male with me (Matt or Dad), I did better and if it was a totally new place, I felt really freaked. Also, if it was a hotel I'd visited before, it was better (now when I work in London, I always opt for the same places and never try somewhere new unless I'm forced to).
By the by, I WISH I could use better words than 'stressed', 'freaked', 'panicked' and 'unsettled'. I don't know how else to describe it. When I'm in the actual moment of fear, it's like standing on the edge of a cliff, totally alone, watching everyone below have a wonderful time all together, all coping and happy and I feel like I'm shouting down, 'Hey!!! I want to enjoy this but I can't! I feel unsafe! I want someone to protect me! Will you do that?! No because you're all busy having the great time I should be having too!!".
Protection seems to be a massive thing. I don't know what I want protection for precisely. I think just the fear. I worry that I'm going to get the fear, won't be able to keep a hold on it and then I'll just be a freaked out mess that needs to go home because when I'm at home, I feel safe. Then I'll feel like a failure. I hate failing too.
I've been on a lot of work trips this last two years and there have been trips I've done really well on, and those that I haven't. One trip (Vidcon 2013) I actually surprised myself on but it took every fibre in me to keep the fear at bay and to have a good time. I spent a lot of time in my room giving myself little pep talks or not letting anyone see my cry. Still though, that's classed as a success.
Trips I did well on (still with spells of panic or fear or having to be in my room a lot though) were Playlist 2014, Vidcon 2013 and New York for Digitour. On my family holiday to Seattle I was 100% fine the entire time. Trips that made me experience super high anxiety levels were ItaTube in Milan (everywhere was so, so, so unfamiliar), Vidcon 2014 (where I spent almost all social time in my room or in the corner of parties emotionally leaning on Hazel) and AmityFest last month.
On a bad trip I don't eat properly, when I do eat I feel really tummy poorly, I can't hang out with Zoe (who would normally make me laugh and make me happy) much because she likes warm aircon and it makes me feel suffocated (obv she'd turn it off if I insisted but I hate being such a pain), I get so so so worried that if we leave the hotel I will get lost from the group or the group will loose me, I drink more at evening events as a (really bad) coping mechanism, I feel really insecure about how I look, I don't at all want to go near crowds (a problem at YouTube conventions) and I don't sleep well at night (although this could be the jet lag).
On a bad trip things that calm me down are constant reassurances before and during the trip, little physical gestures like hand squeezes and hugs and such (which is unusual for me because I'm not overly into that), familiar things (people especially, stories, restaurants that I know the chain of etc) and very, very clear plans for the day (so what everyone is doing at what time and why). I've noticed when people have actually used the words, 'protect you' or 'can leave at any time' or 'I won't let you get lost, I'm looking after you', I've instantly felt calmer and safer, even if deep down I know they didn't mean it. I've even noticed that in crowds (like at YT events or premiers) I've said in panic to whoever I'm with, 'Don't loose me will you?!!?'. Being lost is a thing. I've also noticed that I am much calmer with men than women.
When I feel that bad all I can think about is either being at home where I feel safe or seeking out a person (usually male or a super strong female) to reassure me or escaping whatever experience I am in, going to sit on my own and going online to familiar places (skype, facebook, fave blogs etc).
I worry that my friends think I'm high maintenance and so try to only mention it a bit. It's not only abroad that I feel this way, it's on overnight trips to their houses. Hazel and Zoe are both now in the habit of telling me all the nice things waiting for me on arrival which really touches me that they are so thoughtful and even Jack who is so un-into those little gestures will be nice about it to some extent.
I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know if it's because of my violent and unstable upbringing or something I have developed because I'm weak in certain coping or adjustment areas but I don't want to be this way. I feel like I can never fully tell people the extent of my stress levels about this because it sounds so very pathetic and stupid and so in return, I as a person am pathetic or stupid. I know I'm a smart woman, I know how to be rational about situations and be self aware in experiences but I can't always FEEL that.
At AmityFest I felt the fear even in Birmingham which is an hour from my home!! I could literally have been wrapped in my own duvet within 90 minutes! When it was suggested that we take the show to Australia I cried and almost couldn't go on stage because I imagined the fear I might face when I was there. Even typing about that trip is making my eyes well up a bit.
I feel so very, very silly about this but don't know how to deal with it. My friends are kind and try to jolly me along a bit, my Dad tells me 'don't be silly, you can never get lost in the world', but it doesn't help. Although I've mentioned, 'missing home' or being homesick in a lot of vlogs, I've often cut out huge chunks of teary attempts at explainations for why I feel how I feel. I'd also like to point out, it's not a Mummy thing and panic about being away from Baby Glitter, I've been this was since long before her arrival.
I realise that if you love new places and new experiences and meeting new people, this will sound so trivial and ridiculous. I feel a bit trivial and ridiculous sharing it to be honest.
I always try and do things. I don't (yet) miss out. I travel frequently and do have a lot of new experiences each month but I would love to be able to do them fully excited or relaxed and not fret for days before hand. I'm going to New York in two weeks for Tristate Playlist and already I'm worrying, burdening my friends, imagining things and mentally planning what I'll do if things get too much. I hate it.
I hope this will be of some interest to those of you that have followed me for a long time. I might one day make a video on it but for now, I feel like this is a big enough step. I'm sorry I can't be more articulate about all of this, perhaps I will do a follow up when I understand it more myself.
If anyone has any coping tips for this kind of thing, leave them in the comments and I will gratefully read them all.
If you think this is all a load of rubbish, please be gentle with your comments, I'm quite sensitive about this I think.
Edit - When I'm feeling like this, I don't have panic/anxiety attacks. It's not a matter of having an attack, calming down and then carrying on. It's a constant dread/worry/stress that I can't shake until I feel like I'm safe/protected/relaxed. Just thought I'd add that in because I'm not sure I was clear!
Toodlepip!
xx
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